fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
