I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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