For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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