I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
