VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
