The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
