so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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