i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
