Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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