Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
