My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
