How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
