my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found puke in my bra..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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