My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
