Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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