Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
