Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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