Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
