If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish i was in the wii world.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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