Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
