I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Your cock deserves a montage
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
