I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
