the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Send help, water and tortillas.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
