maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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