dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
