I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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