I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
