tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
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She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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