In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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