Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
