I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
