so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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