so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
