I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
