dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
