Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
