Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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