i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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