I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
