Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
