His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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