I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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