I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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