Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We need to rekindle our bromance
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
