You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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