you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
