So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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