Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.