Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.