I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.