I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Randomize
