I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father