I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.