I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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