You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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