Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
