dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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