btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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