I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You're like the curious george of whores
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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