He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
