So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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