laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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