I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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