i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We're too hungover to prance.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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