I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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