My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
